Friday, August 16, 2013

Books for Zombies: Memoirs, Storybooks and Survival Guides

Zombie Memoirs, Fiction and Survival Guides (for Zombies)
Based on your erratic biorhythms, interest in brain matter and vacant stare, you are clearly a newly bitten zombie*. In which case, you'll benefit from these guides to surviving as a newly risen corpse, as you navigate the confusing etiquette of shambling in a horde, the practical biology of brain chewing, and learn the answer to "what do you do when your arm falls off?"

If your brain has rotted away so much that you can no longer read, then these books will provide a comforting temporary alternative to chewing on the furniture in a desperate search for sustenance. Zombie carers - books are not a suitable long term dietary alternative for your zombie. Provide them with healthy brains as quickly as possibly.

*It is possible that we are mistaken and you are actually a medical student. But to be honest, there's not much difference between a medical student and a zombie after a certain point during the semester.


Survival Guides

Zombies are notoriously bad at adapting to their undead status and reintegrating back into normal life.

It is extremely important to provide them with as many guides and informational material as possible, so that they can orient themselves during the confusing transition period as their brain finishes rotting away, cope with the confusing and embarrassing situations created when your limbs constantly fall off, and learn how to cope with the living populace's unsympathetic and prejudiced reactions.



A helpful attack diagram from
 So Now You're a Zombie: A Handbook for the Newly Undead
[UK link]

From caring for your own decomposing flesh to everyday undead etiquette, these books will help your zombie adapt with practical tips and helpful discussion, helping your zombie come to terms with their new status in unlife and become the staggering, cannibalistic monster it was meant to be. Proper techniques for shambling, moaning, biting, and locating the brain on a living person are also included.



Anti-Zombie Survival Guides for the Living


I know, I know, it may seem insensitive to include these, but it is extremely important to understand how the "Living Alive" will perceive you. If you can prepare yourself for their negatives reactions and predict their movements, your chances of survival will be vastly improved. Knowledge of their defensive techniques will also greatly increase the quality and frequency of your meals.

Zombie caregivers, your zombie may occasionally become irrational from hunger or lack of a functioning brain. This book will help you safely contain them and identify when they are become dangerously out of control. Unfortunately, many of the techniques suggested are lethal, so you will have to modify them using your own judgement.


 Do Your Research: Learn How the Human Enemy Thinks (Even Though You Can't Think Anymore)



Memoirs

Any zombie will appreciate reading the memoirs of other zombies (assuming you can actually still read), learning about the early Undead Civil Rights movement and the struggles of other members of the rotting hordes. 


Brains: A Zombie Memoir by Robin Becker 

  • [UK link]


    • This touching memoir recounts the epic journey of college professor and zombie Jack Barnes, as he leads a small band of sentient zombies across a nightmare dystopian landscape, surviving the mindless hordes and feeding their insatiable appetites for human flesh, to present his treatise on zombie rights.



    Breathers: A Zombie's Lament by S.G. Browne

  • [UK link]

    •  Poor Andy is a zombie, and his family want nothing to do with him. Fortunately, he discovers Undead Anonymous, makes friends, starts finding himself - and then is led astray down the dark and tasty path of devouring human flesh. A charmingly funny, romantic, coming of age story that tracks the emergence of zombie civil rights. Followed up with I Saw Zombies Eating Santa Claus: A Breathers Christmas Carol, although it isn't quite as good (clearly the rotting of his zombie brain over time had affected his writing ability).



    Recreational Reading

    A Zombie Picture Book!

    Zombies Hate Stuff by Greg Stones

  • [UK link]

    • This charmingly illustrated picture book features zombies interacting with normal people and objects in ways that your own zombie can identify with. Use it to interact with your zombie and provide an enriching environment.Teach it what it is supposed to think about kittens and hippies and learn more about your zombie's pet hates, so that you can better care for it! Make it feel accepted, knowing that other zombies exist and that people care enough to write stories for zombies.

    Don't let your zombie be deprived of stories, songs and rhymes that feature undead like itself! Media representation is a hugely important part of confidence and self-image.These zombie books will also act as an entertaining teaching tool for your younger and more closed minded family members.


    Other charming Zombie-appropriate storybooks include:

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