If you've ever played Portal (and probably even if you haven't) then you will instantly recognise the robot that is the adorable, sleek, deadly and apologetic Aperture Science turret.
From giant inflatables to cuddly, talking plushes, they're the perfect companions to add that touch of elegant science to your home, and traumatise intruders.
Nobody can resist the plaintive cries of these adorable killing machines, as they track you with lasers and apologise for shooting you. So who could resist the magical science of real life turrets?
I have, of course, the willpower of GLaDOS when faced with a delicious piece of cake or a button labelled 'neurotoxin'. So I bought both the life sized inflatable and the cuddly, terrifying talking plush. They were perfect for cosplay, great for guarding stalls, and make a fantastic heart attack inducer, lurking in corners of my house.
It was a terrible mistake. They get easily bored with small domestic pods and go seek larger testing facilities, and my turrets escaped, to wander the city on a big Science Adventure. Unfortunately, they homed in on an annual scifi convention.
The following images are pieced together from security footage and cameras discovered on the remains of convention attendees.
The Great Turret Escape
In which our terrible turrets embark on a quest across the great Outdoor Test Chamber to find suitable test subjects. And shoot them.
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This image was taken from a security camera on a train platform.
Fortunately there were no other passengers waiting, but the turrets apologised constantly anyway.
Reaching the convention, they wandered in vague confusion through the crowded test chamber, overwhelmed by the surfeit of test subjects, stationing themselves in random corners and viewing spots. Nobody reports seeing them move.
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But then, they apparently spotted two rival robots. Whether out of some robotic rivalry, or an urge to test some worthy opponents, they observed the Dalek and the R2-D2.
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The Inflatable Turret froze innocently, as the Dalek rolled past, judging it too great a test for their experiment. Once it had moved on, the turret began following the R2-D2 unit.
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Held back by a passing scientist, who recognised the instinctive impulse to test the passing droid unit, the Inflatable Turret can only watch, and wait. For now.
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Here we see the inflatable turret has spotted R2-D2. One can only assume that it took the presence of another scifi robot as a personal affront.A small child took this photo, then ran away.
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The turrets were not foolish enough to take on the Dalek. The plush turret warily pretended to be inanimate, keeping an eye on it from a safe distance while the inflatable turret stalked R2-D2.
Should anyone notice it, it will use its store of catchphrases and unbearable fluffy cuteness to distract potential test subjects.
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Security footage from the ATM shows the deadly, Angel-like stalk of the turret
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| Closer... |
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| Closer... |
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| HOW IS IT MOVING? |
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The last recorded image of the turret in this area, found in the R2-D2's memory banks. The droid itself was found scattered in singed scraps across seventeen metres.
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At some point after experimenting on the R2-D2, it decided to cunningly disguise itself with a fake moustache. It took three experts to identify it as the original Inflatable Turret and recapture it.
And, like all the other turrets, it claims to be "different". THERE IS ONLY ONE DIFFERENT TURRET. And it is not this one.
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They were safely recovered, and are now kept in a locked room, surrounded by plush companion cubes.I hope to train them to become guard turrets eventually, with a great deal of experimentation. And science.
Want To Buy Your Own Guard Turrets?
Where did I get my turrets? ThinkGeek! (but you can buy them from Amazon as well)
Buy your own
Inflatable Portal 2 Turret!
(Price: Approx. US$20-30)
Buy your own Plush Portal 2 Turret with Sound
(Price: Approx. US$30-35)
